meow

summer bewares

by john ryan gallagher 

this time of year is great for letting loose and cooling your tool. that being said, there’s some shit i feel as though i should warn you about. 

ticks 

one night my friend stan told me that he went to martha’s vineyard and got a tick in his ass. this is my email to him yesterday when i needed help for this post:  

hay dog, i remember you said you got a tick in your AH one time on martha’s vineyard. i’m working on a blog post about this very thing. can i ask you three questions about this? i will hide your identity. i could call you stan quint. 
    1. how did you come to realize there was a tick there?
    2. what was going through your head?
    3. did it hurt?
    4. how was it removed from your A.H.?
    5. is dark side of the moon overrated?

JRG   

this was his response: 

oh man! a tick in my A.H.— that sounds rough. luckily i found it when it was still hanging out on my balls. lemme know if it’ll still work for the blog post you’re working on.  

funny how this story changed. ticks are no joke and they carry things like lyme disease and rabies. wear repellent and check your shit when you’re done. it’s kind of a fun way to see your friends’ bootyholes.

sunburns 

i got the worst sunburn of my life on father’s day ‘06. you can see the remnants of the burn in this weird pic from a few weeks later. look at my shoulders. i wasn’t at my best that summer. just look at how skinny and gnarly i was. i heard a rumor that the guy on the right, whose identity i’ve hidden, injected bath salts a few weeks ago. i wish i were making this shit up. can’t believe he didn’t just smoke them like everyone else does. the sun is no joke. make sure to have a steady supply of spf and remember to use it.  

the chafe 

growing up i thought only guys got the chafe. turns out girls do too. just ask my friend whitney. the chafe happens when you spend a lot of time at the beach or in a bathing suit and your wet balls and thighs continually rub up against other things that are in between being wet and dry themselves. shit can get really raw down there. you won’t be getting much play when you have the chafe. it’s a real mood killer. it’s one of those things that stinks both figuratively and literally. btw: one summer i told whitney i wouldn’t go to the beach with her unless she shaved her legs. she did it. 

extreme weather 

one evening i took a class to become a severe weather spotter. my resume literally says, certified severe weather spotter. i should probably take that off because i have to admit that i paid very little attention in the class and spent most of my time writing lists about the best way the use your illusions would have worked if they were restricted to being only one volume instead of two. one thing i did learn is that severe weather is no joke and you need to be very careful if you see the sky changing. this link will help you better prepare for severe weather: http://1.usa.gov/m6daF8 you’re better off getting the information from those clowns instead of me. btw: here’s that gn’r tracklisting: side g: you could be mine, live and let die, yesterdays, pretty tied up, don’t cry, november rain. side r: civil war, locomotive, dead horse, estranged, right next door to hell. 

poison ivy 

a few weeks ago i was trolling the net for people who’d had poison ivy on their taint. i came up with fifty interview questions for them. there was one guy who was going to answer the questions, but when he realized that the end result would be me making fun of him, he backed out. the irony is that i got poison ivy myself a few days later. that’s life fucking with ya. so poetic. but really, poison ivy is tough on some people and can get all up in your business. i remember my friend got it in her vaj one summer. she had to confront her sex partner and he had it too. while i’m sure they were relieved it wasn’t something else, neither of them had the most comfortable of junes. that’s what you get when you have sex on a golf course. i remember her squatting a lot and having to wear jeans that summer. 

i’ll give you five more things to watch out for next week including riptides, ripoffs, randoms, traffic, west nile bug bites, firework mishaps, and dehydration diarrhea.