meow

dating advice for men
by john ryan gallagher
 
let me start by telling you that most women do not like to hear the following things: ‘just control your bitching’, ‘do you have your period?’, ‘you’re always hungry’, ‘are you really gonna wear that?’, ‘for once in your life can you not act like the world’s biggest bitch?’ you might meet a few along the way who DO like to hear things like this, but my advice is to run from them. they’re usually damaged goods. do not enable.
 
every girl that you’re gonna meet off the internet is not going to be as hot as her dumb picture portrays her. you can, however, offer up this backward compliment and definitely get the puss: ‘girls are never as pretty as they look on the web, but you are the one and only exception. you’re prettier in real life than in your pictures’. / you’ll be banging ugly broads all summer with that one.
 
never, under any circumstances, tell a woman you love her within the first six months of a relationship. even if you want to, don’t. if she corners you into saying it in return, put your right hand in your pocket and cross your fingers. you should be in the clear.
 
even if the girl’s friends are hotter than she is, lie and say she is hotter than they are. also, lie when she asks if she looks fat in that outfit.
 
if she wants a grey goose and tonic and isn’t around the bartender when you order, just get her an absolut and tonic and she’ll never know you saved three bucks. note: dissuade her from drinking red wine. it’ll make her breath smell like tar farts.
 
if you want your new prospective partner to take your advances seriously, refrain from posting tweets or facebook statuses such as, ‘women are like buses. if you miss one, there’s another one coming right behind it’ or ‘the fastest way into a girl’s pants is to listen to all of her bullshit’. another one that got me into trouble was the one about how women are easy to pick up but impossible to get rid of. while even if you weren’t referring to them specifically, they’ll always think you were.
 
initially there’s no need for someone to be calling or texting you a million times a day. my friend had this girl he went on one date with text him 16 times in one day. if a girl does this to you, you have to set some boundaries or give her the fade out. if you find yourself doing this to her, you should probably get a life. 
 
errol flynn wrote in his autobiography, ‘my wicked, wicked ways’ that he was never with a woman who simply let him sit and read. what he was getting at, was that women are always demanding a partner’s attention, often the result of their own insecurities. you want a woman who will be secure enough in herself to let you sit and read, and not be bothering you for your constant attention. i tell you, if you meet a woman like this, marry her on the spot. just be careful for women who are too secure in themselves. you don’t want one of those either.

in the event she gets drunk on the first date, while initially this might be seem cool, it’s probably a bad sign. again, run. do the same if you find out she forgot to mention she’s got a ten year old kid, has a scar from where an eyebrow ring once sat, or is a complete crazy bitch. can’t truss em’.

fyi in reality i’m a feminist and if you take offense, then you’re not getting the joke.