meow

five movies i watched this week
by john ryan gallagher

the naked face
 
it was my intention to go back to watching classic movies this summer. i wanted to get away from all the pieces of shit i’d been subjecting myself to. i haven’t been able to follow through on this commitment. the naked face wasn’t necessarily a bad movie; it was just very ordinary. it’s roger moore outside of his bond persona, solving a mildly engaging mystery. the coolest part is that the janitor from the breakfast club, carl, tries to kill him in it. i couldn’t remember seeing carl in anything else, but i just looked him up and he has an impressive imdb.

lonely lady
 
pia zadora walked into my life last week for the first time. a year before she made lonely lady, she starred in the controversial film butterfly, where she has sex with her father in the film, played by stacy keach. i like keach. zadora won both a golden globe and a razzie award for her work in the film. it’s a weird paradox that  she was dubbed best new actress and worst new actress for the same role. lonely lady is considered by some to be the worst film of all time. it’s pretty rough to get through. there are some horrific line readings that are miles beyond camp or unintentionally funny. she gets sexually assaulted with a garden hose by a young (and crazy) ray liotta. the coolest part about this movie was the use of the song ‘fanatic’ by the band felony. the song is used twice in the film. the following year the song was used twice in one of my all time favorite films, valley girl. 
 

we think the world of you
 
i saw the box to this vhs and thought, ‘holy shit. this looks amazing.’ featured on the cover are allen bates and gary oldman and a dog that looks eerily like the one used in K9. it’s mis-marketing and the movie was far too sad for my liking. i thought it was going to be like beethoven with gary oldman, but really it was like a gay english version of beaches with a beautiful dog in it. i say gay not in a figurative way, but in a literal one. gary oldman plays a homosexual. i put this movie on with jenny and she looked at me after thirty seconds and said, ‘are you f’ing shitting me right now?’ then she said something about how watching this film was her version of hell. it was mine too. the dog had bigger ears than jerry lee in K9. there’s a pretty interesting story about what became of jerry lee after K9 wrapped. i’d include the link, but what’s the point when i know you wouldn’t click it anyway.
 

high road to china
 
it took me years to track down this example of pure vhs gold. magnum p.i. plays a drunken WWI pilot in this sorta raiders of the lost ark ripoff. magnum actually turned down the indiana jones role in raiders. dumb move, homie. this movie is reminiscent of and also better than allan quartemain’s king solomon’s mines. WWI movies are kinda lame, though. i saw another one recently called shout at the devil. roger moore and lee marvin are in that one. it’s long as shit, but there are some fun parts. i like adventures movies, but i’d like them more if they didn’t take place during WWI. it just seems too far back to resonate with me. magnum was in another movie from around this time called lassiter. i’ve misplaced my vhs of that, but after enjoying high road so much, i want to watch that again. that one was WWII.

 
the forgotten one
 
don’t be mad, but i didn’t watch this one. i didn’t get around to it. i rented it for $3.50 and then returned it two days late. hollywood express charges $2.25 each day the rental is overdue. that means i spent $8 for a movie i didn’t even watch. that really chaps my ass. i wanted to see this because i love kristy mcnichol. this is a highly regarded b-level vhs. kristy must have made this when she was on break from empty nest. i love that show. i torture my loved ones with it sometimes. some channel hosts a marathon of it every saturday. ironically kristy starred with tatum o’neal in the lost classic, little darlings. when i could have been watching the forgotten one, i was actually watching episodes of ‘ryan and tatum’ on the own network. holy shit. is that show weird. ryan and tatum both have their heads so far up their asses that it’s ridiculous. it’s hard because ryan is one of my favorite actors. he’s  nice and funny in those classic movies from the 70’s, but in reality he’s just a prick with an angry mick temper. i have one of those too, but i wouldn’t shoot and knock my own son’s teeth out (he did that to his son griffin). i wouldn’t estrange myself from my daughter and then make up with her on reality tv 28 years later. still, it’s an  entertaining show. i’d say as good  if not better than empty nest.
 

know of any dumbass movies i should watch next week? hit me up: billyjoelfan69@gmail.com also, you can write weird shit on my fbook wall if you click ‘like’ here: http://www.facebook.com/gallaghermeow

xxxo.

(above) crazy ray liotta with the garden hose.