meow

ten things i’ve learned so far this summer
by john ryan gallagher
 
jews aren’t buried standing up. i feel like some kid on the playground told me this when i was a dumb little boy. what’s worse is that i’ve spent much of my life believing this to be true. when we were on the way to jenny’s grandfather’s funeral, i was like, now i’m finally gonna see how it’s done. no such luck. they buried the man like every other religion does. where did this myth come from? i have no clue. to bury someone standing up you’d have to dig a hole twice as deep. it would be like a well.
 
you won’t lose weight if you don’t wear deodorant. this is another example of me just being downright numb. i figured that if i didn’t wear deodorant when i went and did my manual labor, that i’d sweat ounces and ounces of lbs. off my body. at the time i was working alone, and there was no one around to relish in my funk with me. this all backfired when i had to unexpectedly install doors with another guy one day. we had to get really close and i’m sure i stunk him out to high heaven. this prompted me to tell those close to me of my error in judgment. no one could believe i actually thought that going without deodorant would help me lose weight. i honestly did. think about it; you’re obviously going to sweat more without it. i’ve learned my lesson and i’m back to wearing it regularly. i knew a few chicks who didn’t wear deodorant and honestly, i’ve found nothing, except for maybe farts and cheapness, unsexier. 

 #wolfpussy twitter was alive one day with this trending topic. i didn’t know what it was so i googled it. here’s what urban dictionary had to say: http://bit.ly/jmF7Dp  i’ve only seen a few.  

don’t say mean things that could relate to randoms nearby who might be eavesdropping. 7.2, good harbor beach, gloucester, massachusetts. i was standing in a line for an italian ice and i remarked to jenny about how much i can’t stand when girls wear bikinis with different tops and bottoms. i think i said something about how that was trendy in ‘08 and ‘09 and it should have gone away by now. the girl in front of us in line was wearing one of these mix-and-match suits. she was probably sixteen. she and her friend stopped their conversation mid-sentence and gave one another pained expressions. instantly i felt like a total asshole. the girl handled it pretty well, but i couldn’t help but feel as though i’d embarrassed her. i sincerely hope she wasn’t suddenly struck with wardrobe misfortune. people can wear whatever kind of bathing suits they want. who am i to be such a hater and critic. it put a damper on the rest of the day because i was embarrassed for the girl who i feared was embarrassed about herself. i hope she said some evil shit about me to her friend when i was out of earshot. i hope she said i was fat and that my bathing suit was from the ‘80’s. while i should have learned my lesson, i later remarked on twitter (that same day) that all women from the 90’s have tramp stamps.  

the google streetview car looks like this: http://twitpic.com/5ir2t7 my friend mark saw it in boston one day last week. i want to see it. i want to show it my ass.  

hipsters hate other hipsters. i don’t think there’s a hipster out there that will admit to being a hipster. i think what makes hipsters the happiest is making fun of other hipsters. it’s popular on the blogs, and especially in the blog-to-book circuit. when you think about other cultural movements (hippies, punks, beach boys), people embraced and accepted one another as their own. not  hipsters. with them it’s all about superiority and out-smarting one another. lame.
 
it’s wrong for me to resent my friend for getting married, buying a house, and not having time for me anymore. my friend matt has been m.i.a. for much of the past year. i blame this on his tying the knot last summer and then buying a house. we used to hang out all of the time and go on great adventures. we used to walk on the wild side and monte la calebra. now i never hear from him. i started getting pissed. i even made a tumblog that was just embarrassing pictures of him. there were more than seventy pics! it took him ages to find out about this site because he knows absolute dick about the internet. while at first he admitted he liked the attention, he really wasn’t pleased. neither was his wife. i eventually caved in and took the site down so i could borrow a tent from him. but one day recently it did dawn on me that maybe he doesn’t really have time to fly his freak flag with me because he’s got to work to pay for his mortgage. maybe he doesn’t want to be lighting shit on fire with my ass at four in the morning on a school night anymore. maybe he’d rather get a good night’s sleep so he can do his weird home improvements. i realized that i was being insensitive and quick to cast him out as a pussy-whipped pushover. the guy probably just wants to spend time in his new house. this is a classic example of me being quick to judge and not examine the bigger picture. it does kinda piss me off that he still has all sorts of time for his friend with the boat. they go and catch fish and lobsters on that thing all the time. i seriously wouldn’t be surprised if they handshake each other in the pants out there. maybe i should take this entry off the list because i didn’t learn shit from it.

never smell your own or other people’s fingers in new york city. i’m not even going to go there.

thanks for reading! here are some of my favorite embarrassing matt pics: